A few years ago, I found myself in such a dark place mentally and spiritually. I felt like a failure. I couldn't measure up to what and who I was supposed to be. I truly thought that my husband and children would be better off without me. I felt like I was more of a hindrance to my husband's ministry than a blessing. I also felt like I was doing everything wrong and "messing up" my children. I remember silently crying myself to sleep at night feeling so defeated, but I kept it all to myself. Not even my husband knew what I was battling inside my mind.
The devil had filled my head with so many lies, and now when I look back, I can't believe I fell for them. I didn't have a relationship with God. I never took the time to really pray and get to know Him. I prayed at church but not really at home. I had gone without a refilling and renewing of His Spirit for a long time. I was trying to be a good person without the help of the Holy Ghost and I couldn't do it. It was draining.
God was so patient with me and I am thankful for His grace and His mercy. He loved me so much, He kept pursuing me. One night, I had a dream. In the dream, someone kept quoting a scripture to me and had me keep repeating it back. When I woke up, I hurried and looked up some of the words before I forgot them. It was Psalms 119:105. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." The Word of God began to bring light to the darkness I found myself in. I began writing down every lie the enemy had me believing and then writing down every scripture that went against those lies. When a lie would pop up in my mind, I would take out my scriptures and fight back.
The biggest lie I found myself believing was that I was unloved by God. I believed He loved everyone, just not me. I felt unworthy of His love. 1 John 4:19 says "We love him, because he first loved us." It's hard to love someone when you think he doesn't love you back. When I started believing God loved me, my love for Him began to deepen, I began learning to love me, and my love for others also began to grow.
In the vastness of God's creation, who am I? I'm a nobody, yet He loves me. And the Bible says that nothing can separate me from His love. That means that no matter what I have or haven't done, God still loves me. He still loves you. His love is unconditional; it has no requirements or stipulations. However, sin will separate us from Him. Yet He still loves us. In fact, He loved us so much that He put on flesh and died on the cross, so we could be reunited with Him.
"But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4-6
There is no greater love than that! God loves you, so stop exempting yourself from His love! Stop exempting yourself from His Word! If He said it, then you can start believing it!
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